Thoughts about being a Mom

Ok I realize that this topic is more suited for an entire book and not one small blog post but all the same I need to get what is in my head right now on paper...well electronic paper that is. 

From a very early age I have always loved kids and babies.  I babysat almost every Friday and Saturday night while I was in high school (ya...I was a late bloomer and not much of a social butterfly and it was my only source of income.) and sometimes twice in one day during spring break and the holidays.  I also taught preschool for several years.  My mom has been pinned as the "Baby Whisperer" numerous times and I think I got my love of children from watching her growing up.  I struggled a lot with my self-esteem growing up (who am I kidding I still do.  Ha!) and I think I loved being around children because no matter what you did, said, wore or looked like they would love you unconditionally.  On top of that I felt that I had a natural talent to understand them and was never afraid to get down on their level and play and learn with them.  I often heard the phrase, "Oh you are going to be such a good mom someday."  So I guess in this one area I felt really confident about my skills and talents.

Well flash forward about 15 years and here I am as a first time mom to a beautiful baby girl named Abigail.  She is about the happiest baby you've ever met with a smile that takes up her whole face and a mouth full of teeth already at 9 months.  From the day she was born she has always been very alert and attentive to what is going on around her.  She is very observant and does NOT like being alone (hence the issues we have with bedtime and nap time that I've posted about on facebook.).  Even though she is only 9 months I am beginning to realize that she is VERY aware of everything I do, my facial expressions, actions, mood and most interestingly enough my reactions to the day to day stresses, joys, trials and experiences.  Never in my entire life have I felt more aware of my insecurities and weaknesses.  After a lot of thought I've come to the conclusion the reason for this is that we love our children so much that we don't want to project any of our bad habits, insecurities or weaknesses onto them.  I don't want her to have the insecurities that I have and I want my weaknesses to be her strengths.  But...the fact is that children only know how to do what they see the adults in their life model for them.  I became acutely aware of this one time when my patience was hanging by a thread one day after hours of crying. 

I was so mad and frustrated at myself (I am supposed to be a great mom right?  That's what everyone said.) but I was at a loss for what to do and was also very sleep deprived.  I was so angry (I have a bit of a temper problem) I felt like I needed to hit something...no I did not hit my baby. ;-)  I walked into the bathroom and the first thing I saw was the shower curtain and thought..."Sweet, I can hit it and I'll feel better but won't hurt anything." well much to my surprise the whole thing came crashing down rod and all.  Needless to say I was very surprised and so was Abby by the loud sound.  It was after this happened that I heard a distinct voice in my head say, "How you choose to react and deal with your frustrations is how your children will learn to deal with theirs.".  Needless to say I felt pretty humbled and defeated.  I am grateful for this experience because it has made me aware of a significant area of weakness.  I have made a significant effort to control my outward reactions, especially around Abby which has taken a lot of prayer and self-control.  However even so I continue to struggle to control how I feel and react inside.  There is nothing more that I want than to not let the little insignificant things not get me so worked up.  Another one of my weaknesses is that when I do let my emotions get the best of me I react by beating myself up inside which obviously doesn't make me feel any better.  So lately I have been going in circles trying to figure out how to break this cycle.

Emotions are one thing that have always been frustrating to me.  I have always felt somewhat out of control of my emotions because I am a very sensitive person.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and cannot hide my emotions well.  After reading some really great articles this past week that I found on the LDS Family Services website (awesome articles by topic) I have come to realize that because I have often felt out of control in this one area of my life I try to over compensate by being a bit rigid and controlling in other areas of my life to make up for it.  I would never label myself as a control freak but I definitely do NOT like feeling out of control of situations I know I can control.  I don't think that this is the first time I have recognized this weakness and after thinking back over the last 10 years I realize that I have made great strides in this area and I am definitely much more flexible and easy going than I was back then.  But I still have a LONG way to go. 

So in summary...do I think I'm a good mom?  Most days. ;-) I still have a terrible habit of comparing my weaknesses to other people's strengths (pretty normal for women I think) especially at the times I am very aware of my weaknesses.  Do I have a lot to learn?  Uh ya...A LOT!  Do I wish I could improve myself overnight?  Heck yes!  Is that going to happen...(sigh) no.  I guess that is what this life is all about.  Line upon line precept upon precept, experience after experience, trial after trial, success after success.  A few things that I am grateful to have on my side during this journey, an amazing loving, kind, supportive, forgiving and handsome husband, kind, generous and helpful family and friends, a Heavenly Father who loves me unconditionally and a Savior that suffered all things for me so that I would have someone who truly understands how I feel.  Hmm...I guess I'm pretty darn lucky!  Motherhood is helping me to become a better person,  more like my Heavenly Father and that is what this life is all about. :-)

How about you?  What has motherhood helped you to improve or recognize about yourself.  And what things have helped you out on your journey?  Some of you are pros now and I'd love to hear about your experiences!