Part 1: The Story Before the Story

I have been wanting to write about Charlotte's birth for almost a month but I kept putting it off because I felt that to really appreciate Charlotte's birth story it was important to know what happened when Abby was born.  I knew that this would need to be an entirely separate post because it would be somewhat lengthy and would require revisiting some tender emotions and memories and it's been a bit hard to find the quiet time to be able to do that. But I have been itching to write lately and since both of the girls are napping at the same time today I chose to forgo a nap and finally begin.  So without further adieu here is the story before the story.

Abby was expected to arrive on August 14, 2010.  I didn't have a lot of strong opinions regarding her birth other than I wanted to have her in a hospital where there was immediate medical attention if something went wrong and I didn't want to be induced if I could avoid it.  [As a side note I recognize that other women chose to have their children under different circumstances and I totally respect that choice and feel that each woman needs to do what she feels is best for her and her baby.] I did not have any contractions of note with Abby and the last three weeks of my pregnancy I was dilated to 1 1/2 cm and 70% effaced and stayed there.  The day before her due date, at my check up, the doctor indicated that eventually we'd probably want to discuss induction (I hadn't told him about not wanting to be induced.  I probably should have but I didn't.).  He told me that if I wanted to be induced that he was available on Monday (it was Friday) or the following Monday.  At this point I had become so impatient waiting for her to come that I agreed to be induced three days later and left the office.  But after leaving I didn't feel good about the decision and was so upset that I ended up taking the day off of work (actually my boss sent me home because I was such a mess.) that I called my doctor and moved the induction to the following Monday to give her more time to come on her own.

An entire week passed and there was no change.  The night before the induction I was a wreck.  I wasn't sure if I was making the right decision but I couldn't keep prolonging the start of my maternity leave, my mom had already arrived in town and by this point I was exhausted emotionally and physically.  Before we went to bed I asked Bud to give me a blessing to calm my nerves and help me sleep.  In the blessing I was told that what I wanted was not Heavenly Father's will and that Abby needed and extra little push to come into this world.  This helped me to know that I had made the right decision and even though I was anxious I was at peace.  There are a lot of details about the day of her delivery but I will spare you the details by saying I was supposed to be induced early in the morning but due to high traffic in labor and delivery that day I wasn't induced until that evening.  Everything went smoothly and she arrived safely 6 1/2 hours after the induction started and with very little pushing or pain (I had an epidural).  It was a beautiful moment and one I will cherish forever.  What I wasn't prepared for was recovery.

Due to the fact that I chose to have an epidural I was unaware that during the delivery I suffered a very severe tear.  Tearing during delivery is measure on a scale of 1 - 4 with 4 being the worse.  Mine was a 3 and required a lot of stitches.  I had no idea the kind of pain I would have to endure until after the epidural wore off.  I spent the next three days in the hospital barely able to get out of bed, go to the bathroom or even adjust my position in the bed.  If my mom had not been there to help me while Bud was at work I don't what I would have done (cried a lot I'm sure).  On top of that I was having issues nursing and I was in pain and Abby wasn't gaining weight.  The nurses wanted me to feed her every two hours to help her gain weight and told me if she didn't that I'd have to supplement her with formula.  I realize that many babies are fed with formula but I felt really strongly about breastfeeding and was trying to avoid it if at all possible.  This caused me to be severely sleep deprived and that coupled with all of the pain I was in made me an emotional wreck by day two.  I was so tired and in such shock from everything that had happened that except for the times that I was nursing Abby I barely even remember holding her which breaks my heart.

The first two weeks home were really hard as I continued to have severe pain from the delivery and from nursing.  My mom was a rock and was incredibly patient and understanding as I cried in pain and frustration.  I was angry and sad because this was supposed to be a beautiful, special experience and I couldn't even enjoy it.  After two weeks I finally got some relief after meeting with a lactation consultant and having time to heal but I still was in considerable pain.  On top of that Abby slept all day (I had to use every trick in the book to get her to wake up just to eat.) and slept almost not at all during the hours of 8 pm - 3 am and cried almost the whole time.  I don't know if she had colic or if she wasn't getting enough food but since I had no idea what I was doing I didn't know what to do.  I read a million books and every single one contradicted the one I read before it and it was making me crazy.  Bud refused to let me read one more book and told me I needed to start trusting my instincts as a mother.  I just cried.  I felt like I didn't even know what that was.  I had prepared, done my homework and had always loved and been around children.  This was supposed to be easy for me, or so I thought.  Having Abby literally rocked my world and if it hadn't been for the power of prayer and an incredibly supportive, loving, patient husband who was willing to take turns with me at night even though he had to leave for work at 5 am every morning I'm not sure that things would have turned out as well as they did.

I was an emotional wreck those first six weeks and felt like a failure.  But I survived and learned a lot about myself.  I had to learn to let go of my pride and ask for help as I realized that if I did not that the Lord would humble me in his own way.  I have never felt so many emotions in such a short period of time.  It was scary, humbling and overwhelming and even thinking about it gives me anxious butterflies.  There were so many times that I told Bud in those first six weeks that I was done, this was it, we weren't having any more children if this is how it was going to be because I couldn't handle it.  Yes, I know, I'm kind of dramatic.  Ok, I'm really dramatic.  But it's the truth.  I felt out of control of everything and the perfect ideal in my head was shattered by this experience.  It left me shaken physically, spiritually and emotionally and at the time I didn't know how long it would take me to recover.  But recover I did.  And every day I spent with my beautiful little girl who had, and still has, and incredibly huge, contagious smile I was healed. Slowly the pain began to fade and I began to think about the other special spirits that I knew would one day join our family.  And this is where Charlotte's story begins.

 8 weeks old (huge smile!)

Abby right after we brought Charlotte home (huge smile!)

To be continued...