Part 3: The Choice

This is a continuation of a previous post.  To read Part 2 click HERE.

January 19th.  Today was the day of the detailed ultra sound to take all of the measurements of the baby and hopefully find out what we were having.  Bud had just started a new job and couldn't go with me that day but was, as most men are, secretly hoping for a little boy.  When I was pregnant with Abby I had a very strong feeling that our first baby would be a little girl.  The feeling was so strong that one night, about four months into the pregnancy, after saying my prayers I looked up at Bud and said, "I just realized that this baby might be a boy.".  He just laughed at me.  But deep down inside I knew it was going to be a girl.  Call it mothers intuition or call it inspiration but that's how I felt.  The same thing happened with Charlotte too.  I felt like our next baby would be another little girl even before I was pregnant with her.  I'll admit that since I was a little sicker during the first trimester than I remembered being with Abby and my immune system was pretty low I thought for a while that she might possibly be a boy.  But the day of the ultrasound I had the feeling again so when the ultra sound tech told me that she was 100% positive that it was a girl I wasn't surprised at all.  I think that Bud was a little disappointed when I told him but it didn't last long.  That night he said to me, "I love our little Abby and I'm so excited to have another little girl."

By this point I still hadn't made a decision regarding how she would be born but began to really feel a push to decide.  I had talked to my mom, other family members, several friends, read online forums and discussed it a lot with Bud but I was still having a really hard time.  One night as we were getting ready for Bed Bud and I were talking about the decision and I broke down crying because just I didn't know what to do.  He asked me what I thought was making the decision so hard.  After thinking about it for a few seconds I told him that I felt like having a C-section was the right thing to do but I was angry and upset because it isn't what I wanted.  I didn't want to take the chance of going through what I went through with Abby but I wasn't sure that I wanted to willingly submit myself to major surgery either.  I felt like no matter what I chose a lot of pain would be involved and I was upset because I just wanted to have a normal, uncomplicated birth and there were no guarantees that I could do that on my own.  I was angry because I tore and couldn't blame it on one thing because there were so many factors.  I started blaming myself for not being induced earlier and then later blaming myself for being induced at all.  I wanted to know what it felt like to go into labor on my own and I also wanted to feel the same feelings I had after having Abby of having worked so hard for something so precious and I felt that by choosing the C-section I would be giving that up.  And lastly as silly as it may sound I felt like if I chose the C-section that somehow I was a failure or not strong enough and not doing what was best for my baby.  Fortunately for me I married a man who is incredibly calm and wise.  He just looked at me and said, "Kim, even though I've never been through the experience myself I can understand why you feel the way that you do.  But maybe you are being given this choice for a reason that you don't yet understand.  Remember that the doctor said that most doctors wouldn't even give you the choice.  Not only that but I remember how much pain you were in after having Abby and it was incredibly hard for me to watch you go through that and not be able to do anything to help you.  If you can avoid that why wouldn't you?"  And he was right.  I knew that I was supposed to choose the C-section and so I did.  I told my doctor in March that I had decided to go ahead with the C-section and he said that while he would have supported me either way that he definitely felt that in my case I was making the right decision.  We scheduled the C-section for June first and even thought I was nervous I left the office feeling excited that I knew exactly when I would meet my baby girl.   To say I was solid on my decision at this point would be lying though.  I still thought about it a lot during the following three months and even second guessed myself a bit as the day grew closer but I continued to trust the feeling that I was given originally and this is what carried me through. 

June 30th, the day before the C-section was not as calm as I hoped that it would be.  I was running around crazy trying to get the house clean, get laundry done, pack Abby to go to her cousin's house for a few days and also spend some quality time with her before everything changed.  I was kind of an emotional wreck and it made me sad.  I didn't want this to be the last thing Abby remembered before being away from us for a few days.  As little as she was I knew that it was important that she understood how much I loved her and it was important for me to tell her.  So before I left to take her to her cousin's house I sat down and talked with her.  I told her that I was sorry that I had been impatient with her that day and that I had been too busy to really spend time with her.  I told her that I loved her very much and that I was going to miss her so much.  I'm not sure she really understood everything I said but I felt like it was important to say.  I gave her lots of hugs and kisses and then we loaded up the car and I took her to my sister-in-laws house.  We have only ever left her overnight once and it was only one night but it was with this same sister-in-law and I even though I was sad to leave her I knew she was in good hands.  That night Bud and I were able to go out to dinner together and then shop for some last minute groceries that he and Abby would need while I was gone.  It was nice to spend some time together before the baby came. 

That night I had a bit of a hard time sleeping.  Not so much because I was nervous for the next day but because it felt strange that Abby wasn't home with us.  The next morning I woke up fairly early and even though we didn't have to be at the hospital until ten I knew I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep.  So I let Bud sleep in and I decided to write in my journal and write in my girl's memory books.  It was the perfect way to calm my nerves and prepare myself for that day.  I was able to get all of my fears, insecurities and worries down on paper as well express my joy and happiness that we were about to add another special little girl to our family.  After I was done I showered and finished packing my things.  Bud and I said a prayer together that everything would go smoothly and then I asked him to give me a priesthood blessing.  I had butterflies in my stomach but there were the good kind.  I knew everything was going to be ok and that this was going to be a very special day.  I knew that I would be in good, capable hands and I knew that Heavenly Father was going to watch over me and my baby.

Right before leaving for the hospital

To be continued...