My sweet baby is six weeks old and I can't believe it. These last six weeks have flown by as we have recovered and begun to adjust to being parents. Abby has us wrapped around her tiny little finger with her huge smile and the way that she watches us with her big blue eyes. I love being a mommy but I don't think that anyone could have prepared me for how hard it really is. I've always loved kids and have spent A LOT of time around them baby-sitting, teaching pre-school and taking care of my nieces and nephew. And according to friends and family I have always been very good with them. But it is TOTALLY different when you have your own. Their cry affects you like no other child's cry can (almost makes you want to cry yourself) and on the other hand when you are so sleep deprived you can barely see straight their cry can almost tip you over the edge. You begin to second guess everything you know and you feel like everything you do is wrong (or at least you are afraid it is). I have a bit of a tendency toward "perfectionism" and was determined to doing things "right" (I know, I know...all you mom's are rolling your eyes right now). I read tons of books, researched on the internet, talked to friends and families and watched others to see what I liked and didn't like, etc. But in the end I realized I still didn't have all the answers. There IS no "magic" cure for all the sleepless nights, worrying, crying, pain and wondering that you deal with as a parent and specifically as a mother. Bud finally had to tell me that I wasn't allowed to read anymore books and that I needed to start trusting my instincts, the ones that Heavenly Father gave me as a woman and potential mother. It's SO hard sometimes. Especially when it's late at night and I'm SO tired and nothing is working. I just want to jump in the car and drive away from it all or crawl into some dark closet so that it will all go away. But then a miracle happens...the sun comes up and and a new day begins. My baby eventually stops crying and sleeps and then she wakes and her smile melts my heart once again making me forget the difficult night. I don't know if anyone else feels like this but for some reason with each sunrise I am able to take a deep breath and start again. I consider it one of the Lord's "tender mercies" in my life. I have come to recognize that there is symbolism in everything...when the night is dark and you feel completely helpless and hopeless Heavenly Father stretches forth his hand and the sun rises shedding it's brilliant light which casts away the darkness and helps us to see more clearly or at least see things from a different perspective. I could go so much deeper into this topic but I won't right now or this post will be even longer than I intended it to be. Needless to say I feel truly blessed and honored to have been given such an incredible gift and responsibility.
I didn't intend for this post take the direction that it did but I think it is important to reflect on those things that have been weighing on your mind and put them in writing. When I initially wrote the title "Taking a deep breath" I was thinking about the fact that tomorrow I have to go back to work. I have been dreading this day since I found out I was pregnant. It has always been important to me and to Bud that I be a stay at home mom and we have been working and praying very hard that we would be able to make that happen after Abigail arrived. It seemed almost impossible at times but after much prayer and hard work we are almost there. I have to go back to work for 30 days sort of as a "thank you" for the six weeks of paid maternity leave that my work gave to me which also gives them time to fill my position and for me to train someone on my job responsibilities. Technically I can take up to 12 weeks before going back but we decided that since my plan is to resign anyway there was no need to drag it out especially since the last six weeks are not paid and I'd have to use my vacation and sick time or take leave without pay while still paying for my benefits. So tonight I am taking a deep breath before having to be away from my baby girl for an entire day for the first time. Surprisingly I feel fairly calm about it. My aunt (my mom's older sister) is going to watch her for the next two days. Next week my sister-in-law Jackie and my nephew Owen are coming from CA to spend the week with her, then my mother-in-law is coming to take over for a week. The following week I don't have anyone yet but a few gals in the ward said they could help me out. The week after that my sister-in-law Erin and my nephew Tyler are coming from CA to stay for a week, then my mom will be here for 3 days and then I'll only have 5 days left until I quit. I think knowing that she will be with family the majority of the time is making this SO much easier for me. I feel SO grateful to have such wonderful, loving family on both sides who are willing to spend time away from their families to watch our baby girl. THANK YOU SO MUCH we love you guys!
Only 30 days I can do this. The diaper bag is packed my lunch is made and now for some sleep. Surprisingly my sweet girl has been asleep since 8:00 pm. She will still only sleep in her swing but we decided to just give in and let her. We finally moved it into our room tonight so that I can sleep in my own bed instead of on the couch (not sure why we didn't do that sooner). The countdown begins! I'm sure going to miss this cute face tomorrow. :-)
5 comments:
This post is so true, Kim. Now we see why being parents helps us become more like Heavenly Father- and see why it's the plan that we do so! You're being stretched, and molded into something greater- and it's a beautiful thing. Every baby is different- and no amount of advice from anyone else will fix the hard things- you just have to find what works for you guys right now- and if it's letting Abby sleep in the swing, then let her! You'll all get more sleep and be happier. You're doing great. It's a daunting task that feels so hard and frustrating.. but the next day always comes (like you said) and they get bigger so fast. You're a wonderful mother- and the fact that you care so much and love her so much is a great tribute to you. Good luck with work! Love ya.
You and Bud are doing great! I agree with Cali. You just do what works for you and don't listen to anyone else or pay attention to what the books say. We had to swaddle Jack for months so he could sleep but then one day decided it was time he learned to sleep on his own and he did great. You and Bud will know what to do when the time comes to do something different. I'm so glad you were able to work it out so you can be home. It will be hard being away, but it's so great that it's only 30 days instead of a year or two. We know exactly how you feel having experienced it all. You're a wonderful mom and Abby is one lucky beautiful girl!
Everyone does babies differently so its good that you are finding your own path. The sleep deprivation can suck all the prospective out of the room! When that happens simple tasks become mammoth.
Good luck with going back to work (and be prepared for a some unsettled times for both you and Abby being looked after by different people).
I guess as a Mum all I would say is in time everything gets better.Take Care.
This sounds so much like me my first time around! I'm also a perfectionist, AND I'm a worrier. I couldn't sleep even when my baby WAS asleep! I was so sure he was going to stop breathing because he was wrapped wrong, or dressed wrong, or SOMETHING! Tay finally had to give me a blessing, and that helped a lot. I read a lot too, and listened to everyone's advice, until one day I realized my head was going to explode! It took some time, but I got over all the craziness. I think, like you, it was all coming from an earnest desire to be the best mom I could.
The good news is, by the time #2 came along, I had completely mellowed out.
Listen to your instincts, just like your hubby said. YOU are the best mom in the entire world FOR ABBY! That is why God sent her to YOU. He will be in all the little details, right down to what to put on a diaper rash, if that's what you are worried about.
You are doing awesome! Hang in there, and just keep on enjoying that beautiful little bundle of sweetness.
parenthood is sooo wonderful and challenging all at the same time. i do believe it is the most wonderful and rewarding job in the world...it is challenging because it is so worth it! it does help us grow, and become more like our Heavenly Father. i can more closely comprehend his love for each of us, as i raise my children. you learn so much about heaven, and love as you are a parent...it is hard, but we don't have to do it alone. Heavenly Father is always there. they were His children before they were ours, and He is always there to guide us when we feel lost, or overwhelmed with caring for them.
and yes, thank heavens that the sun rises, and brings a new day with it. just take it one day at a time...and before you know it, you will have things down to a tee! (oh boy, i remember being soo overwhelmed, but then it fades away! really it does!)
you guys are doing great...29 days, and then you can stay home with her all day long! it really is the best. i am soo glad soo much family can help! sorry we aren't comin. hang in there...one day down, and 29 more to go. i know you can do it..and abigail too...oh, and buddy. :)
love ya guys,
kristalyne
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